I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
