I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Randomize
