clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
