Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
