also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize