Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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