someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
