babies were throwing up all over the place
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
