She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize