you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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