You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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