i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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