I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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