K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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