dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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