i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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