I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
