I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Randomize
