I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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