Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
