I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
