My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
my poor anus
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
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