i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
