I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
