So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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