I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
