I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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