My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize