i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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