We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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