some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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