Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
