Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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