look no pants
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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