if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
