She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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