i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
