Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
