Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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