I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
