apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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