I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
