I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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