highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Randomize
