After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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