my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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