wakey wakey hands off snakey
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
