FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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