Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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