She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
