I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Randomize
