my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Randomize
