so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
You ate ashes out of my bong
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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