you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
